Where Are The Support Systems for Families Who Have Lost a Child?
It is time to improve standards of care My daughter, June, died of neuroblastoma when she was eighteen months old. The days thereafter were isolating and lonely. That was nearly three years ago, and to my surprise and not, the lonesome nature of losing a child has remained prevalent in my life. …………………. I never imagined that […]
As A Bereaved Mother Curiosity Has Saved My Life
I am growing with my grief. My daughter June died from neuroblastoma three years ago on March 13th. As I tally the last three years, I don’t allow for my brain to penetrate the often devastating, hopeless existence it has been on many days. Today, instead of adding up the relentlessly difficult days, I admire the threads […]
Suffering Doesn’t Keep My Daughter’s Memory Alive
Antidepressants help me disconnect from my pain, not from my daughter. Each morning for the last three years before I opened my eyes, my brain scanned my body for pockets of pain. Initially, it was purely a mental load of grief I carried, but over time it transformed into the physical. Until eventually, I’d wake […]
I’d Lie to the Pediatrician if it Meant I’d Survive
This is trauma. I thought about skipping my son’s two-year wellness checkup. We’d moved from Maine to Maryland a month before his second birthday. Eagerly, I canceled his prescheduled checkup in Maine via the patient portal. “See ya never!” I said as I slammed the laptop shut and walked away. It was the least traumatizing […]
My Last Nursing Job Was For My Dying Daughter
“I think it’s time to call the nurse,” my husband said. “For what?” I asked. Why would we need a nurse if June was no longer here? It had been twelve hours since I handed June, our eighteen-month-old daughter who passed away from neuroblastoma, wrapped in her pink blanket, to my husband who carried her […]
The Definition of Pediatric Cancer is Killing Our Children
The majority of pediatric cancer research and discussion revolves around finding a cure and developing less toxic forms of treatment. There is one additional, extremely important piece, however, so often omitted. My daughter June passed away from neuroblastoma when she was eighteen months old, nearly three years ago. A cure no longer serves her. I am no […]
How Our Home Changed After Our Daughter Became Sick
After June was diagnosed with neuroblastoma, I spent my days in the brain, the car, the home and periodically on the treadmill and in a glass of red wine. The home was my most burdensome place. It had once represented our family, a beautiful chaos, bursting at the seams with love and adoration for the […]
What I Feared Most After My Daughter Died Saved My Life
The world became a terrifying and unpredictable place after our daughter June was diagnosed with cancer. It only grew worse as we spent a large part of the year isolated in a hospital room. Furthermore, I was pregnant. I forgot how to interact with ordinary people in common spaces like the grocery store. It was simple, […]
A Good Mother
It took thirty-five years for you to find me. I wasn’t hiding. I just wasn’t ready to be found. I was astutely preparing from an office chair, behind a computer. Honing skills that deem one: Adult — Arriving to work, on time, hosting meetings, taking calls. What could any of that have to do with […]