Her little blonde curls before treatment, and how it’s changed in the last few weeks. It’s not the physical appearance of her hair coming out that crushes me; it’s a blaring reminder of what’s happening and a tangible sign this is not a bad dream.
When we’re all home I stay so busy (as moms of littles do), just enough of a lull that my mind can forget here and there.
But it’s the hair. It slaps me in the face everytime I see her wispies float behind as she twirls and runs off.
Her sickness (I still can’t say the C word, denial at best) never felt as real until the day her hair started shedding; balls of it matted at the end of her curls after falling out one by one while she played all day. Little knots I’d clip off, lying to her that it’s just a bad knot- not her hair falling out. It’s a white lie. It’s fine I tell myself.
Each time she lay her head on my chest the strands left behind. The car seat. The gentlest brush still collects what feels like thousands with one stroke.
Being back home felt “normal”- I kept saying everything’s the same, but it’s all different.
Keeping your toothbrush in another spot and cleaning the toothpaste in between the other kids- just in case.
The tension in my neck and shoulders at the mere sound of a sniffle.
Another “no” to a playdate- just in case.
Sleeping beside you to feel your heart rate- just in case.
The broccoli sprouts and carrot juice and red light mat and frankincense and extra zinc and extra supplements and all the things- just in case.
Just in case.
I try not to document much of her in the hospital because it feels too sad- another memory I try to tuck away. It’s selfish really. I don’t like to see her hooked up. I don’t like to see my girl give in to a nap at 9am, the one who never naps. The visions of you laughing and dancing are the ones I cling to- perhaps because I can’t handle the pain some days.
One thing is sure my love: your light holds me steady.
Written by Leah Bodenbach, RN, BSN
UX Copywriter | Nurse Writer @ Tiny Health
Holistic Pediatric Nurse Coach
Blooming Motherhood, CEO + Founder
www.bloomingmotherhood.co | @bloomingmotherhood